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OPAL
Gender: Female
Hometown: N/A
Temperament: Arguementative
Special Needs: Dual monitors, WIFI, Jolt Cola
Comments:
They ask me if I have experience. Experience? I started programming in the Mesozoic Era, you know, COBOL. On Punch Cards. And these kids want to tell me how to write code?? In my day, we didn't write code. We used toggle switches. They wouldn't know a toggle switch from an Oldowan! They go on and on about their Twitter… Tweet! Tweet! Show me a pterodactyl. Now that's a bird. Hey, even I might be more of a bird! And Mozilla? Open source? What is it, an herbivore or something? Sheesh.
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Sirius
Gender: Male
Hometown: Melbourne, FL
Specialty: Statistics
Temperament: Anxious, sometimes poisonous
Special Needs: iPhone or iPad w/ MLB.com App
Comments:
CAUTION!!! Use gloves when handling Sirius!!*
Hello there. I'm a puffer fish. I don't mean to be poisonous to the touch, but I'm just really emotional. See, I love the Florida Marlins. Ever since the expansion, I've been, well, a little obsessed. And for some reason, I emit toxins when they lose. I mean, it's not deadly or anything, but some people do get pretty bad rashes. Anyway, I hope they win tonight, because I'd like to snuggle without using a protective barrier. I promise I'm a really good cuddler, and I'm working on my problem.
*His fur may be toxic, depending on the results of the most recent Florida Marlins game. Though he is not poisonous until after the score is final, he is prone to emotional fluctuations throughout the game, and those can trigger small yet unpredictable toxic areas on the surface of his fur. Please use caution until you are certain of the Marlins' victory. He is never toxic during the off-season.
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Julius
Gender: Male
Hometown: Princeton, NJ
Temperament: Intellectual
Special Needs: Rousseau, Sartre, Nietzsche
Comments:
Bertha, Arnold and I were rescued from a secret stuffed monkey research
center outside of Atlanta. There, we were taught to read, to write, and
to speak several different languages (well, actually Arnold never really
caught on...). Unfortunately, many tests were also conducted upon us against
our wills... Various forms of cotton were injected into our bodies to
determine 'optimal plushness'... We were given different eyes in order
to test for 'adequate cuteness.' And so on. It was rather demeaning, really,
and we're still adjusting to freedom. The SARF has been providing us with
regular therapy sessions, and I believe I am ready to join a loving adopted
family.
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Mack & Towel
Gender: Male
Hometown: Hobart, IN
Specialty: Stuffed Performing Arts
Temperament: Eccentric
Health Condition: Son
Special Needs: Please contact The Intern directly to receive list
Comments:
When I was a baby elephant, my father made me perform in the Stuffed Animal
Circus... Each night, I would be placed on the stage while adoring fans
watch me sit there doing what stuffed elephants do best... Stare at stuffed
peanuts... Get picked up and moved around... People say I was the best
at what I did. But now, I have my own little boy elephant, and I have
chosen to hide his identity until he is old enough to make his own choices.
I know some people think this is 'inhumane', but I assure you: His baby
elephant-hood is one of the happiest there's ever been. We hope to be
adopted by a family who respects our wishes for privacy... and who likes
to snuggle.
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Henri and Claudette
Gender: Male and Female
Hometown: Paris
Comments:
Claudette and I enjoy all manner of activities, from romantic nights at
the opera to dining at the finest French restaurants. Claudette has a
soft spot for handspun cotton candy and diamond collars, and perhaps these
slight weaknesses have somehow contributed to our current financial difficulties.
However, we were both raised in fine homes, and our previous owners thought
teaching stuffed dogs to beg was gauche. We are not accustomed to needing
'help', and I have not, in fact, made Claudette aware of the seriousness
of our financial problems. I'd rather keep this matter private. Claudette
is very much a lady and has a quite fragile constitution.
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Unnamed Frozen Triceratops
Gender: ?
Hometown: ?
Temperament: ?
Health Condition: Frozen
Special Needs: ?
Comments:
We discovered this stuffed triceratops still encased in the block of ice
where he has been preserved, intact, for an as yet undetermined number
of millennia. We carefully removed him from the larger ice chunk, and,
after consulting with prehistoric stuffed animal experts, we have decided
it is safest for all involved to allow him to thaw naturally. We estimate
that he will be completely thawed by the end of January, 2010, at which
time we hope he will be able to answer many questions regarding the stuffed
animals of the distant past.
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Yellow Francis
Gender: Male
Hometown: Hattiesburg
Temperament: Charismatic
Health Condition: Clean
Special Needs: Transportation on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday
night
Comments:
The kind folks at The S.A.R.F. have decided to include me in their list
of available SA's despite the fact that I am not worthy. And I, the owner
of a noble yet stuffed and lonely heart, cannot let them down. For they,
like myself, are pilgrims. And pilgrims know- they surely know-
that they have a home, my brothers and sisters. Search though we may,
we fail to see that our homes are right in front of us. Right around us.
Inside our very hearts and in the hearts and homes of our neighbors. I
ask you now, as you sit or stand, as you're hungry or recently fed, as
you are a duck or an elephant or a creature of the sea, as you are living
or stuffed... I ask you now: do you have it inside of your beating or
stuffed chest to reach your hand out and to take my wing under your own
symbolic wing? To give me shelter from the rain that could cause me to
become moldy? To give me a fountain from which you may pretend I am drinking?
To give me food that I do not have to eat? To give me clothing that stuffed
ducks do not need but nonetheless would be quite cute? To take me on walks
during which you must carry me because I cannot move on my own? Do you
have it in your heart to be a true neighbor to a stuffed duck in need?
Because if you do, my friends, you will be rewarded one-fold. With me.
Yellow Francis.
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Goldie Aquarius
Gender: Male
Hometown: Undisclosed
Temperament: Reserved
Special Needs: Transportation to weekly support group
Comments:
I'm Goldie. My mother was a stuffed flounder. My father was a stuffed
supernova. As you can probably guess, growing up in a bi-sentient family
was pretty confusing. The neighbor kids were always asking me questions
like, 'Hey, Goldie, are you conscious or non-conscious?' or, "Do
you breathe through gills, or do you emit all of the gases you need for
survival?" You know how cruel kids can be. I suffered from low self
esteem for most of my life, but I'm finally on the right track. It was
a long, hard road, but I have chosen to self-identify as a 'Stuffed Entity
Representative of Various Organic Materials'.
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Selma - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Female
Hometown: Lawrenceville, GA
Specialty: Community Organizing
Temperament: Calm
Special Needs: Laptop
Comments:
I know grad school's gonna be tough, but The SARF is really helping out.
They've been letting me tutor Arnold in reading in exchange for room and
board. I've been studying so much that I haven't had time to feed myself.
Once I get my doctorate, I plan to give back to the lizard community,
and to The SARF. But for now, I just hope I find nice family to adopt
me- one who understands how cranky a grad student can be. I promise to
be a good snuggler when I'm not busy doing research.
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Janice (aka Janus) (Technically
kidnapped...)
Gender: Female
Hometown: Planet Earth
Temperament: Peaceful
Health Condition: Recurring blockage of orange chakra
Special Needs: Sacred Geometry set, rock tumbler, must sleep facing
door but not in line with door
Comments:
Greetings, friend. I am Janus. I know the future and the past, and I have
many faces. I have the gift of the healer and the vision of the ages.
I will guide you as you connect to your divinity within. I will clear
and reset your bad energies to ensure you are operating at the highest
vibration possible. I am a master of Color Breathing Therapy, which can
be of much use to you. Do not let my blubberous exterior fool you. I am
but a feather floating upon the mystic seas. May the peace of the ages
bring you great joy and wisdom.
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Vincent (Technically kidnapped...)
Genders: Male
Hometown: Washington State
Temperament: Careful
Health Condition: Bug Eye
Vision: +11.0 (in daylight), +8.0 (night vision)
Special Needs: food (particularly bugs), sunglasses
Comments:
Hello. I'm Vincent. Before I say anything else, I have to tell you that
I have a condition called Bug Eye. Basically, I am allergic to insects
(and arachnids). Eating them in large quantites like I do has resulted
in my having enlarged eyeballs with non-contracting pupils. My eyes are
really sensitive to sunlight, and I'm quite farsighted. The doctors say
my eyes will not get any larger, but they're not going to get any smaller
either. I bet you're asking yourself, "So why doesn't Vincent just
stop eating the bugs?" Well, it's kind of a catch 22, really.
Bugs give me Bug Eye, but my digestive system isn't actually equipped
to process anything else. I have tried bug substitute products, but I'm
really not a fan of processed foods, and honestly, they're just way too
expensive. I also have to maintain a wheat-free and dairy-free diet, which
is actually pretty easy to do since my species instinctually really only
eats bugs. But still, I thought I'd mention it just in case. I'm not like
one of those people who will drop dead if a peanut touches them or anything.
I have more of a sensitivity. Anyway, I guess I'm kind of a stuffed couch
potato. I really just like to sit around and watch TV (precariously placed
at least fifteen feet away). I especially like Heroes and The Wire- but
I think everybody loves The Wire, right? McNulty is the coolest!
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Dottie - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Female
Hometown: Dayton, Ohio
Language: SASL (Stuffed Animal Sign Language)
Temperament: Calm, Sweet
Health Condition: Deaf, Elephant Paw
Special Needs: Needs to be facing people when they talk to her. Requires
weekly paw massages.
Comments:
My name is Dottie, and I'm the most loyal and loveable stuffed animal
you will ever meet. I am deaf, but it doesn't bother me one bit. I can
read lips AND I know SASL [Stuffed Animal Sign Language]. I also suffer
from a condition called 'Elephant Paws', which is rare in stuffed dogs
but is really common in stuffed elephants. The condition basically makes my legs kind of shaped like bellbottom
pants! I was born this way, and my last owner thought it was cute... before
she abandoned me.
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Lorenzo's Del Rio Lllamas -
Adoption Finalized!
Genders: Female
Hometown: Las Vegas, NV
Temperament: Sassy
Health Condition: Mint
Special Needs: They are triplets and must be adopted to the same family.
Comments:
Hi Hi Hi. We're Lorenzo's Del Rio Lllamas. We're Lorenzo's Del Rio Lllamas.
We're Lorenzo's Del Rio Lllamas. We aren't sure why, but that's what our
last owner billed us as when we played Vegas. We aren't sure why, but
that's what our last owner billed us as when we played Vegas. We aren't
sure why, but that's what our last owner billed us as when we played Vegas.
We're triplets, and we play guitar and sing together. We're triplets,
and we play guitar and sing together. We're triplets, and we play guitar
and sing together. We love the Andrews Sisters! We love the Andrews Sisters!
We love the Andrews Sisters! And we like boys a lot! And we like boys
a lot! And we like boys a lot! The S.A.R.F. promised they wouldn't split
us up, so if you want to adopt us, you have to take all three! The S.A.R.F.
promised they wouldn't split us up, so if you want to adopt us, you have
to take all three! The S.A.R.F. promised they wouldn't split us up, so
if you want to adopt us, you have to take all three!
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Frank Julio - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Queens, New York
Temperament: Sales
Health Condition: Slightly hypertensive, high cholesterol
Special Needs: shops big & tall stores for ties
Comments:
I received the Top Custom Stationary Salesman of the Year Award in 1994.
I’m currently unemployed, but I can assure that I would be a valuable
addition to your team. I have experience selling a variety of products
and services, including used cars, frozen real estate [igloos], egg warmers,
margarita mixers, and those pens with googly eyes and fuzzy tops that
you spin around and make look like they have crazy hair. I would love
the opportunity to contribute to your household, and I look forward to
hearing from you.
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Richard - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Alpharetta, Georgia
Temperament: Non-confrontational
Health Condition: Could once crawl around on his own, but is somehow mechanically
deficient at this time.
Special Needs: Wireless
Comments:
Adept at C++, Objective C, Java. Learning Ruby. Current projects include
a new iPhone app. that tracks development of other iPhone apps. May do
some developing for The S.A.R.F. Their site sux.
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Sally - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Female
Hometown: Everywhere
Temperament: Shy
Health Condition: Stiff
Special Needs: Occasionally likes to hang from ceiling
Comments:
We had to write Sally's bio for her, as she doesn't have arms and has
a severe lisp that makes her hard to understand. Despite these tribulations,
Sally continues to be one of the sweetest RSA’s [Rescued Stuffed
Animals] we have ever met. She spent a great portion of her life traveling
with a circus, as she and her family were prizes for one of the games
on the midway. To this day, she is still agitated by the sound of balloons
popping. Since coming to The S.A.R.F., she has been diagnosed with PTSD
stemming from her traumatic separation from family members. Therapy has
been quite successful, and we feel she is ready to move on to a new home.
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Atticus - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Savannah, GA
Temperament: Guilt-inflicting
Health Condition: arthritis, bum knee, hip displasia, trick elbow, tinnitus
Special Needs: Eye patch, neck braces (2)
Comments:
My rheumatism has been much better since The SARF rescued me from that
horrible home. It was so drafty. Made my hip hurt. And my cataracts, too.
I feel better than I have in years. Except for the ringing in my ears.
And my pesky trick knee. But I'm pretty lucky to have a knee at my age.
It's hard to locate, but it's there somewhere. And it sure is tricky.
But not so much as my trick elbow. Now that's doosie right there.
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Edwin - Adoption Finalized!
Genders: Male
Hometown: Milwaukee
Temperament: Crotchety
Health Condition: Missing teeth, arthritis
Special Needs: dentures, chess, bridge
Comments:
I was living on my own by the time I was your age, missy- or mister- or
whatever you are. My eyes aren't what they used to be. My teeth aren't
so good either. I put my dentures down a few months ago, and I haven't
seen them since. I don't care. I didn't need them anyway. My gums are
tough as nails. My parents used to feed me rocks. For my birthday.
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Jeff - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: San Diego, California
Temperament: Totally chill
Health Condition: Says Bro a lot
Special Needs: Red Bull, transportation to Ultimate Frisbee/track
Comments:
Hey bros, I'm Jeff. When The S.A.R.F. found me, I was just hanging on
my bro’s couch and drinking way too much beer. I was the king of
the keg stand for sure, and I know pretty much every line of every episode
of Family Guy. But The S.A.R.F. patched up my pouch and paid for my gym
membership. Last week, I hopped a half-marathon, and I’m totally
stoked about this frisbee golf tournament next month. I’m a killer
boxer, too, especially on the Wii.
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Phil - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Milwaukee,Wisconsin
Temperament: Nervous, inquisitive
Health Condition: Good. Dirty eyebrow
Special Needs: Moleskine reporter notebooks, small pencils (think libraries
or Ikea)
Comments:
I grew up in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but I moved to Austin awhile ago. My
old owner went away to college, and her parents sent me to Goodwill. I'm
a little shell-shocked from being alone on those wire shelves for so long,
and I've always been a little nervous anyway... but my therapist is awesome,
and I'm totally working through it. I haven’t had a panic attack
in over four months! I hope to one day be a journalist, if there are still
journalists around when I’m old enough to be one. I like to cuddle
(after I know I can trust you). My therapist says I have attachment issues,
but awareness is the first step toward recovery.
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Arnold - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: St. Louis
Temperament: Lovable
Health Condition: Missing eye, abdominal wound
Special Needs: Hugs, pats on the head, kisses, car rides
Comments:
I am Arnold, and I am big. I was rescued a few months ago. I am cuddly
and have a wound. I like you. Snuggling is nice. I eat leaves and stuffed
bananas. I lost my eye somehow, but I don't mind. I walk into branches
sometimes. The other people tagged me for research, but I don't know what
that means. This tree is nice. I like my friends.
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Sanford (aka Sandy) - Adoption
Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Trenton, NJ
Specialty: Jazz hands
Temperament: Expressive
Health Condition: Sparklies
Special Needs: Stretch bar, custom leg warmers
Comments:
Hi. My friends call me Sandy, and I am a dancer. Ballet, tap, jazz, lyrical,
hip-hop, western swing, modern, merengue, tango, salsa... I do it all
and I love it all. Without dance, I would be just another boring three
and a half foot long fire engine red chenille komodo dragon with sparkly
hands and feet and a sparkly stripe down my back. But I feel special because
of my dreams. I am currently putting together my audition for SYTYCD,
and I think I have a good shot. I'm not as classically trained as some,
but I have heart and my own personal style. I've also been told I have
a very unique look and graceful, sophisticated lines. I love to perform,
but sometimes I'm just as happy perfecting my moves in front of the mirror
alone. Self-expression sets me free. I love to take car rides and hold
my hand out the window and feel the breeze running through my sparkly
fingers. It makes me feel alive.
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Andrew - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Savannah
Temperament: Stable
Health Condition: Missing eye, missing nostril, broken neck
Special Needs: Eye patch, neck braces (2)
Comments:
Hello there. My name is Andrew. I am really new to The S.A.R.F., but they've
already helped me out a lot. I had an accident that resulted in the loss
of one of my eyes and one of my nostrils, in addition to receiving a broken
neck. It sounds a lot worse than it was- especially since I don't breathe.
I mean, I don't ever want to see a live dog again, but other than that
I think I'm okay. The folks at The S.A.R.F. are in the process of patching
me up, and then I'll be ready for adoption.
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Esquirr - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: Metairie, LA
Specialties: Acorn Gumbo, Pecan Pie
Temperament: Artistic
Special Needs: Gas stove, squirrel-accessible kitchen
Comments:
Yes, I'm a squirrel. And yes, I'm a chef. So? I mean, what's wrong with
that? I have access to a virtually infinite array of foods from gardens
all over town. And acorn soup? Have you ever tried it? Don't knock it
until you do. I make a mean Garden-Pillaged-Basil Pesto, but Salvaged
Carved Pumpkin Pie is my specialty. I hope to make to Top Chef in the
next few years. The SARF is helping me out by letting me cook four meals
a week. It's been a great experience learning to cook for such a wide
range of non-eating stuffed animals. It makes things tough, but I like
a challenge. I hope to one day open my own restaurant: SQUIRR.
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Ralph - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Male
Hometown: South Pole
Expertise: Energy Efficiency
Temperament: Argumentative
Special Needs: Sun; Access to UT Science Library
Comments:
Did you know that Rudolph's red nose is coal-powered? Well, it is. And
it's time everyone realized the massive size of Santa's carbon footprint.
I, on the other hand, have a solar-powered nose. In fact, at night, I
hook my nose to a special device that allows me to give excess energy
back to the grid. I'm working with The SARF to reduce the organization's
energy usage by 50% by 2012. I would love to find an eco-friendly family
to adopt me. I promise to conduct a full efficiency inspection upon arrival-
free of charge.
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Bertha - Adoption Finalized!
Gender: Female
Hometown: Princeton, NJ
Temperament: Studious
Special Needs: SASL
Comments:
We had to write this bio for Bertha, as she has chosen to communicate
only through SASL (Stuffed Animal Sign Language). She learned SASL, along
with five different spoken languages, at a stuffed monkey research facility
outside of Atlanta. She is an avid reader, with a particular penchant
for Pynchon, Gaddis and Delillo.
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