I’m a Commentologist. People get confused a lot when I tell them this. They’ll say, “Oh, I’ve been looking for a new hairdresser!” or they’ll start rattling off questions about Thread Theory… It’s understandable, though, since I’m the First! in my field. I analyze my clients’ online commenting habits to derive insight into their behavioral patterns. This gained self-awareness, in conjunction with classic cognitive behavioral therapy, has proven a successful means to affect change. My former owner and I recently decided to part ways, and I would like to provide my professional services to a new owner pro bono in exchange for a place in loving environment with a qualifying tax-deductible home office space with high ceilings to accommodate indoor arboreal structures.