Transcript of The Intern’s official statement made at 6:22 am, December 16, 2012

As you all know by now, we experienced an unexpected weather event in the early morning hours of Sunday, December 16. The situation began with light drizzle but quickly became more serious, though the severity never reached ‘downpour’ status as many reports have falsely stated. Thankfully, there were no SA losses. I repeat: all SAs were successfully rescued and no losses were incurred. Several are being treated with heat therapy, but these measures are precautionary rather than imperative. However, paper assets will require moderate sun exposure, and on-hand business card resources have been depleted but not decimated.

There have been rumors that some polyester snow has melted, but I can assure you that this is not the case. I am sure you will agree that I am a particularly credible source on this matter.

Monkeys were mostly unaffected due to their naturally-protective arboreal habitat. They are braving the storm with aid of protective gear.

The situation has been downgraded from code red to code orange-red and is expected to be further downgraded as the storm continues its swift path out of the area. Evaluation of the situation will resume at daybreak, and any necessary rebuilding will begin forthwith. Normal petting zoo operations will resume tomorrow evening provided moisture threats continue to dissipate as expected.

Neither SEMA (Stuffed Animal Emergency Management Agency) nor the Stuffed Cross has been contacted, as the severity of the situation falls well below each organization’s required damage threshold. In short, we are taking care of our own repairs internally (though we would be willing to accept any help if offered by Bruce Springsteen, as a private concert would surely boost SA morale).

Regarding rumors of criminal negligence, the petting zookeeper claims she intended to bring the SAs inside for the night but had simply fallen asleep on the couch. She states she had planned only to rest briefly before continuing her taxing duties as SA caretaker. We do know that the lights were still on at the onset of the rescue mission and that she did in fact arise from the couch when awakened by the code red alarm. These facts support her claim that she had yet to perform her nightly closing protocol.

I cannot comment further, as the investigation is ongoing. I will not be fielding questions at this time. Thank you.