I give the best hugs in the whole world! Everyone needs a hug every now and then, and I’m the perfect one to do it. I squeeze really tightly so you know how much I care. Sometimes my friends don’t want me to hug them, because they don’t want to take advantage of my giving nature. They say I just give, give, give, but I don’t mind at all! I’m just an affectionate snake, and I feel like it’s my duty to comfort folks when they’re feeling down.

I am a stuffed lionesses’ rights advocate. Growing up, I watched my father lounge around all day while my mother wore herself out taking care of him. She would hunt all night and then spend all day slaving over a seam ripper, preparing the meals she caught. Hunting is really hard work, especially for an inanimate lioness! It’s a good thing stuffed animals don’t require sleep! It’s because of my mother that I helped pass the Lilly Lionbetter Act, which guarantees equal pay for lionesses who preform the same work as their lion counterparts.

When I was a little stuffed monkey, my mommy didn’t like it when I climbed trees. One time I climbed a tree and I fell out of it and she said, “No more climbing trees for you, mister. You’re gonna hurt yourself!” So from then on I stayed out of trees. My mommy also didn’t let me use stuffed serrated knives to cut stuffed bananas. That’s okay, though, because I’m really afraid of knives.

The folks at The SARF are helping me overcome my fear of climbing. They call it submersion therapy or something like that. I can’t remember the word because I’m feeling really distracted right now. I feel really brave, though!

I’m a real estate guy, pure and simple. I’ve done it for a decade, and I know a good deal when I see it. That’s why I flew in from California 3 months ago. The market here is unbelievable. The culture, however, takes a little getting used to. I mean, have you seen how those bats downtown live? All together like that under that one bridge? It’s like a commune over there! Get off of your parents’ health insurance, for god’s sake!

So anyway, I’ve been in negotiations to purchase my own bridge over in the hill country. Close enough to town, but with less feeding competition, better schools, and really clear sonar reception. It’s a steal. My friends back in L.A. aren’t gonna believe it. I’m hoping to close before spring migration.

Gender: Male
Hometown: New Haven
Profession: Currently unemployed
Temperament: Concerned, and rightly so
Special Needs: Dust masks, organic cotton, fur-safe paw sanitizer, your pin number

Thankfully, the management of The SARF is careful to bathe all residents, making sure they are sanitized and germ-free. Unfortunately, the rest of the world isn’t so conscientious. That’s why I’m extra careful.

I make all of my purchases with debit cards, because money is packed full of germs. And I make a point of having other people turn on lights for me, because light switches are some of the dirtiest places in the home. I also only eat organic stuffing and make sure that the doctor only uses 100% natural unbleached cotton thread.

I am training to be a Brazilian Blowout specialist, and I’m super excited about helping stuffed animals achieve their beauty goals. Because our fur doesn’t grow, we can’t experiment with different haircuts when it’s time for a change. That’s why the Brazilian Blowout is so important! At beauty school, we call ourselves Drying Consultants. I’ve always wanted to be a consultant! Some of the SAs at The SARF let me practice on them. They’re so awesome. I can’t wait to graduate!!

Food Journal:
Breakfast- non-fat english muffin w/ sugar free strawberry jelly
Mid-morning snack- peanut butter rice cake*
Lunch- tuna salad
A sensible dinner

*Gross!

I’m a pretty big baseball fan. I’m currently working as a lobbyist for the Infield Fly Rule Repeal Movement. The stuffed monkey lobby has a greater influence on MLB policy than you might think. In fact, there are a lot of stuffed monkeys working behind the scenes of most teams, mostly in the front office. Also, you’d probably be surprised by how many radio sportscasters are stuffed monkeys… although I guess radio personalities never really look like you’d expect them to, regardless of their species.

Ss sssss sss, sss. Ssssss sssss sssss!! Ssss sss s. Sssssss, sssss sssss sssss (ssss, sssssss, sss, sss ssssssss). Ssssss sssssss ssssss; sss sssssss ssss sssssssss sssss s ssssssssss sss. Sss ssssssss: sssss sss ssssss ssss sssss. Sssss? Sssssssss ss sssss ssss, sssssss!