I just have no idea what to do! There are so many parties tomorrow, and I have absolutely nothing to wear. I mean, I have a few things to wear, but not nearly enough for all the different parties. I certainly can’t wear the same thing all day long! That would be unheard of! And I certainly can’t wear nothing at all (despite the fact that wearing nothing is perfectly socially acceptable for an SA)! Silk? Linen? Perhaps a shroud of some sort? Oh, poor, poor me!

I’m Andy.

We are doing our best to transcribe Barkley’s bio as he dictates it to us, but he can be quite difficult to understand. Barkley suffers from a condition called Pica. It is a fascinating eating disorder that is extremely rare in humans, and is even more so in SAs, particularly since eating anything at all is a rare activity for an SA. Pica manifests itself in SAs in much the same ways as it does in humans, and Barkley’s case is rather unremarkable as far as SA Pica is concerned. He exhibits classic systems, showing a preference for eating trophies that celebrate soccer achievements, plastic sunglasses (with a slight selection for those blue in nature), and paintbrushes containing acrylic paint residue.
Barkley says he is originally from Des Moines and that he is one of six siblings, none of whom show signs of eating disorders. His older sister, however, does have an unusually large collection of Kremlin-themed snow globes, but this does not appear to cause her any sort of measurable distress and thus is not classified in the DSMSA-IV.

A lot of folks assume that just because I’m a raccoon rooting around in a dumpster, I’m scavenging for trash or rotten food to eat. It’s only when they see my one-of-a-kind reclaimed wood furniture that they understand who I truly am: a master craftsman. I’m always in search of that next perfect wooden tabletop or seat for my latest masterpiece. I am interested in finding a forever home with a person or family that appreciates the beauty of high design and the practicality of creative reuse. A well-stocked garage or wood shop would also be a fine selling point.

When my good friend Andrew here hired me to sleep on camera, I initially thought, “Hey, that’s an easy way to make a buck!” At the time, I didn’t think about the fact that, as an owl, my sleep schedule is a bit different from his. Drew thought it would be more relatable to the masses if he filmed me sleeping at night, but of course that doesn’t really work well for me, being nocturnal and all. So we decided I should slowly force-shift my biorhythms until I got in sync with non-nocturnal SAs. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be working. Now I can’t seem to sleep during the day OR night. I keep telling him that maybe he should just find someone else to film, but he absolutely refuses. He’s definitely one determined SA!
At least I’m getting paid!

A lot of the other temporary SARF residents seem to have a bunch of problems, or they’ve got amazing careers, or they think a lot about this or that… But me? I’m just a good old stuffed bear. I’m a little shy at times, but other than that I feel pretty great. I like to snuggle and look at picture books and pretend I live in the forest. I’d like to find a home with someone who enjoys the same things I do. I guess sometimes a teddy bear is just a teddy bear, you know?

Kendra with her new live companion…

I’ve just been watching, you know? There’s not really anything to get. You stare and you stare, and when you look away from it everything moves like crazy all over the place. But you know in your head, with all that logic in there, that everything was already moving anyway, before you ever looked at it. It was all moving the whole time while you were busy staring at that spinning thing. So I don’t know why I keep staring at the spinning thing waiting for it make things move when I’m already standing on a spinning thing that’s full of things that were already moving to begin with.

I know, the name’s kind of ironic, considering my little erythrophobia problem. Yeah, I’ve thought about changing it, but it seems like I’d be disrespecting my folks. Plus, the therapists at The SARF have helped me think of it as a small part of my exposure therapy. You see, I have a handful of phobias, but my biggest one is of the color red. Obviously this poses a pretty big problem for me, especially when I happen upon a mirror or a window or any other reflective surface. It really used to get in my way, but I’ve made a heck of a lot of progress during my time at The SARF. I’d love to find a neutral-colored home with an understanding family that rarely blushes, doesn’t often have blood-related injuries, and does not include any alumni of The University of Georgia.

I’m a sketch artist. I work with police to help solve SA crimes! People are always amazed by how accurately I can translate descriptions into likenesses, but I always tell them it just takes a lot of practice! I’ve been drawing since I was stitched together. I would love to find a family with law enforcement or art world connections, as I require a lot of drawing supplies and I also work odd and unpredictable hours. I’ve recently been training to do courtroom sketches on the side, and I’d be great to find a companion who wouldn’t mind being a model every once in awhile. I’ve been Hector’s roommate while I’ve been at The SARF, and he’s a great guy, but I’m really looking forward to getting my own space.