I’ve been a pirate for about five years now, and I’ve gotta say, I really love my job! I’m always traveling to interesting places and meeting new people. There’s nothing I love more than plundering on a crisp night by the light of a full moon… But I’m not just a one-trick octopus. When I’m not pilfering and pillaging on the high seas, I enjoy knitting, sewing, and all things crafty. I particularly enjoy creating lasting memories of my favorite expeditions through the fine art of scrapbooking. I’d love to meet a living companion who enjoys shopping for the perfect paper print, petty theft, and sharing knitting needles!

Hey, cool cats, I’m Babbs. I’m into a whole bunch of cool stuff— like Snapchatting and meme-ing and making Vines. GIFs are so great, aren’t they? I definitely know ALL of the hashtags ###! And I really love keeping up with all of the different acronyms for things the cool kids are ingesting. I’m also really great at keeping secrets! Especially if they have to do with, you know, illegal things. You can DEFINITELY tell me ANYTHING. I promise I won’t tell a soul! I definitely don’t have any connections to any sort of law enforcement agency, that’s for sure! I’m pretty much just your average hip SA looking for a cool new crew to hang with.

I grew up on the water, so I’d love to meet a living companion who shares my love of the sea (and the lake, the pool, the tub…). I like lazy days in boats, chill nights cooking and camping by the river, and lots of good times in between. I’d like to meet a special living companion who can carry me on long walks on beaches at sunset. If you have your own boat or lake house, that’s a definite plus.

Because I’m a pink cow, people are always asking me, “Do you produce strawberry milk?” I just look them straight in the eyes and say, “I’m a stuffed cow. We don’t make milk. Duh.” I’m Elisabeth, and I’m a stuffed animal travel agent. I help SAs Plan Dream Vacations to Exotic Destinations®. When I’m not busy making dreams come true, I enjoy reading, watching Netflix, and chatting with my friends online! I’d love to meeting a living companion who shares my sense of adventure and who has a lot of fun friends that I can meet!

I am a rather serious stuffed bear physicist, and I’m looking for a living companion who is logical, reliable, and able to engage in healthy-but-productive debate. My particular field of study is in the realm of nonlocality and entanglement. Yes, many theorists find the concept of nonlocality quite troubling, but I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of crackpot scientist. I am actually well-respected by physicists with a wide variety of views on quantum mechanics. I’m hoping to meet an open-minded, brilliant companion, preferably an academic, and preferably with a genius-level I.Q. – although I’m not opposed to anything significantly above average.

**Please, no Flat-Earthers or Climate Change Deniers**

I’m a motivation speaker. I’ve been through some tough times, but I sure did get some great stories out of it. As an eaglet, I spent some time in a stuffed animal gang doing things I’m not proud of. And I’ve got the record and the teardrop-shaped felt tattoos to prove it. Escaping that world was hard, but sometimes speaking to a room full of middle schoolers can be even harder! I’m blessed to have a great support system and a very pushy manager/booker. I’m looking for a living companion that’s on the straight-and-narrow who’d be willing to provide me with transportation to some of my out-of-town speaking engagements.

Hi there, I’m Kim. I’m back on the market looking for a new living companion after taking a little time off for myself. I still miss my old living companion, but I’ve done a lot of soul-searching in the last year, and I really do think I’m ready to try again. I’m looking for a friendly, fun, honest human who is in it for the long haul. No commitment issues, please! It would be nice to be a part of a family again. I definitely do have some trust issues right now, but I’m willing to work on them if you’re willing to be patient with me. I think I’ll make a great forever stuffed companion for the right living companion one day! Until then, I’ll continue to grow and learn on my own- and with my awesome family of stuffed friends!

All things considered, I’d say I’m a pretty benevolent sovereign. I’m definitely not opposed to wielding my rather immense and intimidating power when it is called for, but I like to think I do so judiciously. Some of my critics say I’m overstepping traditional boundaries set by my predecessors, but I’ve just never seen myself a the simple figurehead type. I feel like I was destined to lead, particularly in these uncertain times. Stuffed animals need a strong, sensible ruler, and I am both of those. Simply by moving my uncharacteristically-floppy limbs around, you will feel my balance and inner strength. Go ahead, try it.

My mother was an anthropologist, and my father was a circus performer- so I’ve had quite an interesting life, to say the least! I feel like I have a pretty unique perspective on life and what it means to be an SA in America in the 21st Century. I study the history of SAs in America, with a particular focus on their relationships to human entertainment. I would like to find a living companion who can be serious and and thoughtful, but who also isn’t afraid of getting his or her feet wet! I’m a pretty balanced stuffed seal, and I’d love to find a companion who is focused but who is also capable of taking a break from work and having some fun!

I hail from a vast and uncharted land where inhabitants are judged and rewarded… where friendships are forged, knowledge is exchanged, and life’s great questions are answered and reanswered and reasked again in a seemingly-Sisyphusian cycle of untamed curiosity. Do I miss my homeland? Sometimes. But I have chosen to look for a new place: a new frontier… a home where we are judged by our thoughts rather than our hastily-typed sentences. My whole life has been a series of ups and downs and I am finally searching for stability. I would love to find a home with like-minded individuals (or at least individuals who are highly susceptible to suggestion) who limit their Internet intake and anonymous online participation, in preference for highly-accountable in-person interactions with real-world consequences.*

*I am Dabney, and I approve this message that I sent telepathically to a designated member of The SARF’s staff.