Whipped cream.
I wish I was filled with whipped cream.
Instead of stuffing.
Everybody loves whipped cream.
Even the vegan kind of pretty great.
If I were filled with whipped cream, my living companion would hug me, and it would ooze out a little from the seams in my neck and the line down the middle of my stomach.
But there’d be a little hole on the top of my head,
like the one for a needle in a basketball,
and you’d push the nozzle right in there, and then, Schzzzchhhhhh, I’d be filled up again.

I know, it’s kind of weird for an SA to do hair, right? But it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do! I used to dye my sisters’ fur when I was, like, 6 years old. Our living companion would come home and be like, “What’d you do to Mrs. Ed’s mane?” And I’d be like, “She said she wanted to look like a zebra!” and our living companion would be like, “Is it permanent?” And I’d be like, “Man, I don’t know. Are Sharpies permanent?” And Mrs. Ed would start to kind of freak out, but then she got used to it and wanted me to do all different colors on the white parts, and our living companion was like, “Well can you do mine, too?”

I’m a fashion designer specializing in sustainable designs for stuffed clientele. I use materials sourced from recycled packaging to create affordable-but-amazing classic pieces that transcend fast-fashion trends. I firmly believe that stuffies shouldn’t have to choose between style and environmental responsibility, and I’m doing my part to make ethically-sourced fashion available to every stuffy. I am currently collaborating with The SARF’s Chief Fashion Executive to produce an exclusive clothing line available only at The SARF Headquarters.

I’m Bill, and I invented the touchless car wash. You might be asking yourself, “So, Bill, if you invented the Touchless Car Wash, then what are you doing here at a shelter for abandoned stuffed animals? Shouldn’t you be the CEO of a hugely successful company and driving around in a spotlessly-unscratched and perfectly mirror-waxed candy apple red Mazda Miata convertible, surrounded by adoring ladies in Jackie Onassis sunglasses and billowy wind scarves to protect their perfectly-styled hairdos?” And to that I would reply, “You’re darn right I should be.”

I’ve always wanted to be a backup singer. I’m too shy to be a star, but I’d love to be one of the people who make the stars sound amazing. Have you seen that documentary, 20 Feet from Stardom? I want to be one of them!! I love harmonizing and sound effects and doing all I can to make a great song. I’d love to find a living companion who appreciates music. Maybe we could even form our own backup group together!